((Free No.3) A messy draft of my personal narrative...just start like this!

First of all, I found this advice for narrative writing on this nice site. It gives me some good ideas. Thanks!


Also, this site gives advice for good narratives (or any writing) as follows:
Good writing should have 6 Language Traits:

1. Idea Development (Communicate meaning!)
2. Organization (By time order, flashbacks, by character etc.)
3. Word Choice (Don't "tell", "Show!" with descriptive words!)
4. Voice (Be yourself. Don't hide. Tell your story)
5. Sentence Fluency (Transitions...flow...rhythm. Short sentences, dialgoue etc)
6. Conventions (periods, commas, capital letters...the boring stuff, but feel free to be creative and flexible!

A Mentor Text: "A Doubtful Christmas"
http://www.thinthreads.com/samples/xmas.html

------------ My Draft ------------

Title:  Panic

Grabber/Lead: 

On April 29, 2006, my two-year old son disappeared.

Problem/Challenge/Even  

We were at Parco, a department store near Chofu-station in Tokyo, and I was paying for some food in the basement grocery area. My son was near me, but when I finished paying and turned around, he was gone.

Action/What Happened

I called his name and walked around quietly at first, but it gradually turned into a full panic. He was nowhere to be seen.

Solution / What I/We Did

Takeaway / What I Learned / Ending Thoughts